Hannibal
It's got a great opening: awesome opening shot of a tiny car in a miasmic darkness, two creepy policeman who deliver a Jacobean prologue. The Shadow Line is stylishly done. And it's well populated too. For the first ten minutes you're going: “Oo it's him of...” or “That's her from that...” But it rapidly loses its charm. The characters, both the ostensible good guys and the bad guys, are endlessly confrontational in way that is supposed to suggest MORAL AMBIGUITY and the writer/director, Hugo Blick, clearly had great fun coming up with a plethora of inventive ways to call someone a c**t.
But the overall result is a deluge of dialogue that is needlessly portentous and rarely realistic. The characters exist in some strange, Beckettian parallel dimension where exposition is conveyed via impenetrable non sequiturs – to such an extent that for ages I honestly didn't realise one of the characters had Alzheimer's.
In its favour, The Shadow Line is wonderfully dense and has some way to go. I just worry that at the moment a lot of it seems to pivot on what looks to be an implausible bit of plotting. Oh, and at climactic points the incidental score goes absolutely ballistic. Which is really irritating.
Channel 4 prides itself on its low-budget, quirky-but-authentic depictions of working class life. It thinks that's where it has the edge over the other channels: The BBC just simply can't do it – everyone they ever hire is from RADA. ITV on the other hand is for the proles – it makes telly for the working classes. But Channel 4 makes shows about the lower orders for the higher orders, for Guardian readers to get their dose of pov-porn.
It's the worthy part of its mission – from back in the days when it would spend an evening broadcasting lesbian poetry. From before it discovered The Word and it could be crass in the name of innovation and make a buck out of it. You know, Isaacs rather than Grade.
I know this makes it sound like I hate This Is England '86. I don't. I think it just about manages to pull it off. There are lot of montage sequences to eighties music, especially early on and you really do want them to just bloody get on with it. The characters are, it has to be said, thinly drawn. The mundanity of their speech appears nearly authentic but, basically, everyone has exactly the same speech pattern, and the same way of expressing themselves. The apparent reliance on improvisation only seems to exacerbate this effect.
But it is good telly. It's funny and affecting. Deep down, however, I don't think it has anything new or important to say – either about its context or the sort of people it seeks to represent.
I'd read the reviews and people had warned me, but nothing could really prepare me for my first sight of crack-addicted Phil Mitchell. Joining EastEnders for the post Queen Vic conflagration to see Phil transfigured fully into a Klingon I searched wikipedia for the alien hybridisation plotline that I'd been missing out on.
Sadly I was missing out on nothing so preternatural, which is a pretty achievement for a show that bears fewer causal relations with the world than your average episode of Star Trek or Doctor Who. This is, after all, a programme in which child abusers are routinely transformed into the comedic light relief after a few months and which recently had a character so evil, he turned Peggy Mitchell into a robot.
EastEnders gets everything the wrong way around. In the real world the tiny differences (who left the milk out, who laughed inappropriately at somebody's girlfriend) are the causes for all-out war; whereas the really big things (who's got a crack addiction, who's been sleeping with somebody's wife, who kidnapped so-and-so's daughter and then blackmailed thingumabob's family because whatsherface is actually a man and is also thingy's dad) cause human beings, at most, to sit around awkwardly discussing the weather or the carpet. Rarely if ever do the important things led to the sort of apocalyptic confrontations seen week after week on your average soap opera.
So rather than Phil's crack habit being the cause for some discrete coughs and tangential conversation openers, it somewhat more improbably leads to an inferno of such intensity not even the powers of the diminutive tribal elder, Peggy, could defeat it. Instead she was left squawking and flapping about like a canary in a mining disaster.
They threw all the pyrotechnics at the demise of the Queen Vic, the realisation of which played out about as authentically as the crack addiction that precipitated it – which, in spite of all the apparent research and involvement of various charities, basically involved a red-faced Phil vigorously rubbing his arms whilst listening to The Who. McFadden, bless him, has all the nuance of a twelve year old playing a drunk in a Gang Show sketch.
EastEnders would like to be a dark, Dickensian depiction of working class London. The first episode even opened with the discovery of a body, a modern day Our Mutual Friend. But the demands of being a continuing serial with no endpoint always work to defeat this possibility. Peggy should have roasted, screaming Lear-like at the flames. Instead she wanders off, tracked by a wobbly handheld camera to a gooey synth, destined to return when the ratings haemorrhage. Soap operas can never really be good TV because good TV shows will always finally die.
But if it does transpire that Phil Mitchell is incubating an alien baby and has designs of terraforming Walford then I'll start watching immediately.
And this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper. Or, in this case, a befuddled old man saying in a broken voice, “Did I lock the door?” For the third time.
For a programme that made much of throwing geriatrics down a hill in a bathtub, there was something quite demeaning about the final episode of Last of the Summer Wine. In the popular imagination it's all about growing old disgracefully and shining a positive light on old age, yet the actual content seems to point in the opposite direction. Everyone has the blancmange face of a well-fed nonagenarian (the upshot of which is that it is often hard to discern precisely which old person is talking). Few of the actors can move independently. Some of the old gang (well, Peter Sallis) haven't died yet and they've been reduced to thirty-second bit part scenes, indoors and in a chair.
Painfully it didn't seem to appreciate how close to death it was. The entire plot is neatly and wholly related by the description on iPlayer: “Everyone arrives at the pub for the wedding, but Glenda receives a call to say the bridegroom has done a runner so they all head off to a nice restaurant.” Half of the show involves a pensioner on the street repeatedly running between two front doors like a harrowing documentary about Alzheimer's.
In fact it was all rather uncomfortably like going to visit an elderly relative in a home. They talk confusedly for about half an hour (the dialogue isn't simply unfunny, none of it makes the slightest bit of sense) before finally reaching a brief state of conscious awareness of their surroundings in which they look terrified at you with eyes that scream, “Dear Christ, why can't I die?” (In this case the camera morbidly dwells on Sallis's dewy, distant eyes as he quietly asks himself if it's his suit that's to blame for his diminishing memory.)
Hearing the studio audience cruelly laugh at such scenes leaves you cold. Someone should've had let this programme sign a living will when its neurons still regularly touched base with other neurons. Then this slow, wasting death might have been avoided. Instead, as in the real world, we seem to prize advanced old age as a goal in itself – no matter how lonely and desperate it becomes.
The only rise Last of the Summer Wine got out of me was to go research the fees at Dignitas.
He now has the size and surface contours of a planet and one gets the impression that conversing with him nowadays would probably be about as progressive as the orbit of Jupiter, but it was still pleasant to see Patrick Moore on Doctor Who on Saturday. Not quite in some terrifying, disembodied Gamesmaster way but near as dammit. I’m secretly hoping that the ominous references towards the end about some great intergalactic evil are going to be linked by some gordian plot mechanism to Moore’s philandering. Stephen Moffat, the new showrunner, is clever enough. He could pull it off. I trust him – utterly, after watching ‘The Eleventh Hour’ the first episode of his series.
Fairy tales abound in ‘The Eleventh Hour.’ The new companion changes her name from Amelia to Amy to be less fairy tale. The incidental music – certainly when at its best – clearly references the likes of Harry Potter and modern fairy tales such as Edward Scissorhands. The recurring theme is the importance of giving up on the adult world and return to one’s childhood dreams. In the opening minutes the Doctor even says, “I don’t even have an Aunt” like some sort of Peter Pan.
It drives right to the heart of Doctor Who and is the core insight of Moffat’s contributions to the series. Doctor Who may look like a sci-fi programme but it really isn’t. It’s a children’s programme that feeds upon bogeymen and fairy tales and has always endured because of its playing with dark, Jungian archetypes. The normal Who trick is to pick up the tropes of the children’s horror story – hidden doors, monsters under the bed, the dark itself – and give them a cursory technobabble rationalisation before revelling in the fear of it all. The Doctor is, after all, the man the monsters have nightmares about.
Smith was wonderful. His face, which seemed so strange and large in the press photos, now fidgets with raptor-like cunning. He is far more restrained than the reports made out and seems less willing to signal it for the kids than Tennant. It was less of a heroic entrance than ‘The Christmas Invasion’, the episode doing the double duty of a season-opener and post-regeneration story. But it performed its double duties expertly.
Moffat has kept much that worked from RTD’s reign: the silliness, the bombastic music, the sonic screwdriver, the companion-fancies-Doctor subplot, the ersatz-adhoc sense of epic, and the Buffy-inspired series arc. But he also played on his own mythos: the girl who falls in love with a Doctor who exists in a parallel timeline, the hospital setting, the little girl comes from a short story Moffat wrote, even the line “I've put a lot of work into it” was taken from his Comic Relief spoof. He blends these elements relatively effortlessly, justifying his claim that he is as guilty of RTD’s so-called failings.
We were also provided with some inventive visuals (Moffat clearly has a thing for eyeballs); unfortunately the realisation of some of the effects was a bit, well, 1990s bubblewrappy CGI. Nowhere near as effective as the scary dog guy and her-from-Peep-Show. It would be sad if the production team gave up on puppets and models altogether because, to be honest, I much prefer the Skeksis to nu-Transformers. Call this the Lucas Syndrome. But I can see I’m in a minority opinion and eventually some sort of Nuremberg Law is going to be passed to prohibit marriage between those who can actually work out which Transformer is kicking fourteen kinds of Castrol out of which and those of us who loved Jurassic Park mostly for the animatronic sick Triceratops and had our first crush on Miss Piggy or Beaker, so no doubt we’ll eventually die out.
The Doctor is definitely just a mad man with a box. And it was just, simply wonderful. And I bloody love it. I bloody, bloody, bloody love it.