Hannibal
It's got a great opening: awesome opening shot of a tiny car in a miasmic darkness, two creepy policeman who deliver a Jacobean prologue. The Shadow Line is stylishly done. And it's well populated too. For the first ten minutes you're going: “Oo it's him of...” or “That's her from that...” But it rapidly loses its charm. The characters, both the ostensible good guys and the bad guys, are endlessly confrontational in way that is supposed to suggest MORAL AMBIGUITY and the writer/director, Hugo Blick, clearly had great fun coming up with a plethora of inventive ways to call someone a c**t.
But the overall result is a deluge of dialogue that is needlessly portentous and rarely realistic. The characters exist in some strange, Beckettian parallel dimension where exposition is conveyed via impenetrable non sequiturs – to such an extent that for ages I honestly didn't realise one of the characters had Alzheimer's.
In its favour, The Shadow Line is wonderfully dense and has some way to go. I just worry that at the moment a lot of it seems to pivot on what looks to be an implausible bit of plotting. Oh, and at climactic points the incidental score goes absolutely ballistic. Which is really irritating.
Channel 4 prides itself on its low-budget, quirky-but-authentic depictions of working class life. It thinks that's where it has the edge over the other channels: The BBC just simply can't do it – everyone they ever hire is from RADA. ITV on the other hand is for the proles – it makes telly for the working classes. But Channel 4 makes shows about the lower orders for the higher orders, for Guardian readers to get their dose of pov-porn.
It's the worthy part of its mission – from back in the days when it would spend an evening broadcasting lesbian poetry. From before it discovered The Word and it could be crass in the name of innovation and make a buck out of it. You know, Isaacs rather than Grade.
I know this makes it sound like I hate This Is England '86. I don't. I think it just about manages to pull it off. There are lot of montage sequences to eighties music, especially early on and you really do want them to just bloody get on with it. The characters are, it has to be said, thinly drawn. The mundanity of their speech appears nearly authentic but, basically, everyone has exactly the same speech pattern, and the same way of expressing themselves. The apparent reliance on improvisation only seems to exacerbate this effect.
But it is good telly. It's funny and affecting. Deep down, however, I don't think it has anything new or important to say – either about its context or the sort of people it seeks to represent.
I'd read the reviews and people had warned me, but nothing could really prepare me for my first sight of crack-addicted Phil Mitchell. Joining EastEnders for the post Queen Vic conflagration to see Phil transfigured fully into a Klingon I searched wikipedia for the alien hybridisation plotline that I'd been missing out on.
Sadly I was missing out on nothing so preternatural, which is a pretty achievement for a show that bears fewer causal relations with the world than your average episode of Star Trek or Doctor Who. This is, after all, a programme in which child abusers are routinely transformed into the comedic light relief after a few months and which recently had a character so evil, he turned Peggy Mitchell into a robot.
EastEnders gets everything the wrong way around. In the real world the tiny differences (who left the milk out, who laughed inappropriately at somebody's girlfriend) are the causes for all-out war; whereas the really big things (who's got a crack addiction, who's been sleeping with somebody's wife, who kidnapped so-and-so's daughter and then blackmailed thingumabob's family because whatsherface is actually a man and is also thingy's dad) cause human beings, at most, to sit around awkwardly discussing the weather or the carpet. Rarely if ever do the important things led to the sort of apocalyptic confrontations seen week after week on your average soap opera.
So rather than Phil's crack habit being the cause for some discrete coughs and tangential conversation openers, it somewhat more improbably leads to an inferno of such intensity not even the powers of the diminutive tribal elder, Peggy, could defeat it. Instead she was left squawking and flapping about like a canary in a mining disaster.
They threw all the pyrotechnics at the demise of the Queen Vic, the realisation of which played out about as authentically as the crack addiction that precipitated it – which, in spite of all the apparent research and involvement of various charities, basically involved a red-faced Phil vigorously rubbing his arms whilst listening to The Who. McFadden, bless him, has all the nuance of a twelve year old playing a drunk in a Gang Show sketch.
EastEnders would like to be a dark, Dickensian depiction of working class London. The first episode even opened with the discovery of a body, a modern day Our Mutual Friend. But the demands of being a continuing serial with no endpoint always work to defeat this possibility. Peggy should have roasted, screaming Lear-like at the flames. Instead she wanders off, tracked by a wobbly handheld camera to a gooey synth, destined to return when the ratings haemorrhage. Soap operas can never really be good TV because good TV shows will always finally die.
But if it does transpire that Phil Mitchell is incubating an alien baby and has designs of terraforming Walford then I'll start watching immediately.
And this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper. Or, in this case, a befuddled old man saying in a broken voice, “Did I lock the door?” For the third time.
For a programme that made much of throwing geriatrics down a hill in a bathtub, there was something quite demeaning about the final episode of Last of the Summer Wine. In the popular imagination it's all about growing old disgracefully and shining a positive light on old age, yet the actual content seems to point in the opposite direction. Everyone has the blancmange face of a well-fed nonagenarian (the upshot of which is that it is often hard to discern precisely which old person is talking). Few of the actors can move independently. Some of the old gang (well, Peter Sallis) haven't died yet and they've been reduced to thirty-second bit part scenes, indoors and in a chair.
Painfully it didn't seem to appreciate how close to death it was. The entire plot is neatly and wholly related by the description on iPlayer: “Everyone arrives at the pub for the wedding, but Glenda receives a call to say the bridegroom has done a runner so they all head off to a nice restaurant.” Half of the show involves a pensioner on the street repeatedly running between two front doors like a harrowing documentary about Alzheimer's.
In fact it was all rather uncomfortably like going to visit an elderly relative in a home. They talk confusedly for about half an hour (the dialogue isn't simply unfunny, none of it makes the slightest bit of sense) before finally reaching a brief state of conscious awareness of their surroundings in which they look terrified at you with eyes that scream, “Dear Christ, why can't I die?” (In this case the camera morbidly dwells on Sallis's dewy, distant eyes as he quietly asks himself if it's his suit that's to blame for his diminishing memory.)
Hearing the studio audience cruelly laugh at such scenes leaves you cold. Someone should've had let this programme sign a living will when its neurons still regularly touched base with other neurons. Then this slow, wasting death might have been avoided. Instead, as in the real world, we seem to prize advanced old age as a goal in itself – no matter how lonely and desperate it becomes.
The only rise Last of the Summer Wine got out of me was to go research the fees at Dignitas.
In the final moments of The Last Airbender one of the bad guys qualifies a task given to an underling as “unspeakably important.” That such a phrase made it through script rewrites, shoots, edits and finally past all kinds of movie bigwigs tells you everything you need to know about this film.
It is transcendent in one respect. There is not a single line of dialogue in this film that is not bare-faced exposition, as if M Night Shyamalan were expensively realising a thought experiment in which characters may only narrate exactly what they are doing.
The acting ranges from the unacceptable to the inexplicable. Assif Mandvi appears to have been cast so that he could recreate his pretend-delayed-via-satellite responses on The Daily Show, only this time in scenes with ostensible dramatic import. It takes a certain majestic directorial incompetence to achieve such exquisite comic timing.
And then there's Jackson Rathbone.
At the heart of the movie's myriad problems is the realisation of the central conceit. The logistics of bending the four elements makes for incredible boring cinema. The Last Airbender is filled with long, long sequences of people doing the Macarena really, really slowly. It takes such a long time to fight anyone, it's like watching a turn-based RPG.
Among Shyamalan's achievements here are to have made a lovingly crafted world into a lazy rent-a-mythology; an intelligently plotted story into a series of barely credible threats. But his chief achievement is time travel: the movie takes around seven or eight hours to watch but when you leave the cinema apparently only 103 minutes have passed in the outside world.
To be clear, this is a movie in which the word “bender” is bandied about repeatedly (including memorable lines such as “openly practising bending”), there is a giant beaver which nobody pays any attention to and where at one point someone sports a hairdo that looks exactly like a penis.
The only legitimate response to this is to hunt M Night Shyamalan down and smash his brains out with an ice pick. The only worry is that this won't stop him making more movies.
Out this week is a film about a crazy Nazi doctor who sews people up bum to mouth to make one long chain of poo. Almost nothing else happens in that film and the effect itself is poorly realised, almost entirely relying on the hideous nature of the idea itself. Yet just when it feels like we really have reached the end of days and as we start praying for some extremists to annihilate us once and for all... a piece of cinema is released of such intelligence, such wit and such skill that it reaffirms one's faith in Western civilisation. I'm talking about Toy Story 3.
Image by Jerrod Maruyama via Flickr
The film deftly blends genres in the way a summer blockbuster should. Within a single reel the film is horrific, hilarious and honestly moving. A terrifying Chucky-style doll patrols a twisted, utilitarian, euthanasia camp called Sunnyside ruled by an emotionally-twisted bear who smells of strawberries.
It is expertly plotted. Every single line of dialogue is relevant and threads through a narrative so tightly wrought Chekhov or Fielding would be left a dribbling mess at the sheer genius of it all. The final moments, rocketing through utter despair and seemingly unavoidable oblivion to tender yet bittersweet parting of ways, earns every tear it amply receives.
A powerful, powerful movie. Just when you think it can't get any more sublime, Buzz gets switched to Spanish mode.
The other day I saw a huge advert for the A Team movie, before which passed a bus advertising the new Predators movie. Walking past newstands proclaiming Tory cuts to the public sector I felt I had to quickly check the date on a newspaper, as I strongly suspected that somebody had thrown the whole world into the Hot Tub Time Machine.
Turns out not. Someone's just decided to crap out a load of mediocre eighties remakes. Also someone's decided that nerds are the new musclemen. Or at least they're getting nerds to buff up to portray the new muscle men. Adrien Brody is woefully miscast in this. At times he looks perilously close to Peter Mandelson, which makes the moment when he shows off his six pack in all its sinewy-Adam-Ant-skinny-people-just-look-weird-when-they-work-out glory somewhat disconcerting.
Most of the other acting is fairly abysmal. Whenever Alice Braga is called upon to portray any sort of cognitive process, or indeed simply show emotion, she looks like she's just been given a really hard sum. And then Laurence Fishburne turns up. And he delivers a performance so inexplicable I finally experienced how a character in an H P Lovecraft story must feel when they decide that the horror before them is unspeakable.
It also reveals a fairly unsettling insight into white America's racial hierarchy. Blacks are fairly near the bottom, but it turns out not as low down as Mexicans. Both are apparently more expendable than a murderous, ambiguously incestuous con on death row. The Japanese do fairly well, but not as well as white Americans and Israelis who despite all of their documented moral failings survive. And then fall in love. Not that I could really get worked up about the mindless amorality of it all, given how generically this bestiary of morons was drawn in the first place.
Worst of all, this film isn't even steaming. It's all executed efficiently. So it isn't even a so-bad-it's-fun. It just isn't any fun at all.
Oh yeah and the Predator redesign is balls, too.
He now has the size and surface contours of a planet and one gets the impression that conversing with him nowadays would probably be about as progressive as the orbit of Jupiter, but it was still pleasant to see Patrick Moore on Doctor Who on Saturday. Not quite in some terrifying, disembodied Gamesmaster way but near as dammit. I’m secretly hoping that the ominous references towards the end about some great intergalactic evil are going to be linked by some gordian plot mechanism to Moore’s philandering. Stephen Moffat, the new showrunner, is clever enough. He could pull it off. I trust him – utterly, after watching ‘The Eleventh Hour’ the first episode of his series.
Fairy tales abound in ‘The Eleventh Hour.’ The new companion changes her name from Amelia to Amy to be less fairy tale. The incidental music – certainly when at its best – clearly references the likes of Harry Potter and modern fairy tales such as Edward Scissorhands. The recurring theme is the importance of giving up on the adult world and return to one’s childhood dreams. In the opening minutes the Doctor even says, “I don’t even have an Aunt” like some sort of Peter Pan.
It drives right to the heart of Doctor Who and is the core insight of Moffat’s contributions to the series. Doctor Who may look like a sci-fi programme but it really isn’t. It’s a children’s programme that feeds upon bogeymen and fairy tales and has always endured because of its playing with dark, Jungian archetypes. The normal Who trick is to pick up the tropes of the children’s horror story – hidden doors, monsters under the bed, the dark itself – and give them a cursory technobabble rationalisation before revelling in the fear of it all. The Doctor is, after all, the man the monsters have nightmares about.
Smith was wonderful. His face, which seemed so strange and large in the press photos, now fidgets with raptor-like cunning. He is far more restrained than the reports made out and seems less willing to signal it for the kids than Tennant. It was less of a heroic entrance than ‘The Christmas Invasion’, the episode doing the double duty of a season-opener and post-regeneration story. But it performed its double duties expertly.
Moffat has kept much that worked from RTD’s reign: the silliness, the bombastic music, the sonic screwdriver, the companion-fancies-Doctor subplot, the ersatz-adhoc sense of epic, and the Buffy-inspired series arc. But he also played on his own mythos: the girl who falls in love with a Doctor who exists in a parallel timeline, the hospital setting, the little girl comes from a short story Moffat wrote, even the line “I've put a lot of work into it” was taken from his Comic Relief spoof. He blends these elements relatively effortlessly, justifying his claim that he is as guilty of RTD’s so-called failings.
We were also provided with some inventive visuals (Moffat clearly has a thing for eyeballs); unfortunately the realisation of some of the effects was a bit, well, 1990s bubblewrappy CGI. Nowhere near as effective as the scary dog guy and her-from-Peep-Show. It would be sad if the production team gave up on puppets and models altogether because, to be honest, I much prefer the Skeksis to nu-Transformers. Call this the Lucas Syndrome. But I can see I’m in a minority opinion and eventually some sort of Nuremberg Law is going to be passed to prohibit marriage between those who can actually work out which Transformer is kicking fourteen kinds of Castrol out of which and those of us who loved Jurassic Park mostly for the animatronic sick Triceratops and had our first crush on Miss Piggy or Beaker, so no doubt we’ll eventually die out.
The Doctor is definitely just a mad man with a box. And it was just, simply wonderful. And I bloody love it. I bloody, bloody, bloody love it.
Entre les Murs (The Class) (2008), Cert (UK) 15, 128 mins, Dir Laurent Cantet, Cast François Bégaudeau
Entre les Murs (The Class) is a film for teachers and for anyone who really wants to become one. I remember being on an INSET day and watching a video of a “satisfactory” (read, “inadequate”) lesson – but I would much rather we had watched this, it would’ve been far more instructive. The film is based on a semi-autobiographical book of the same name by François Bégaudeau, and he plays himself. It follows a year in an inner city school and deliberately lacks the traditional movie dynamics of even, say, Half Nelson. Bégaudeau makes an ambivalent central character: a good teacher, his idealism is waned (or perhaps was never even there), sometimes he slips up with troubling consequences. There is a depressing momentum and the final scenes are quite heart-breaking for their quiet realism. It is millennia away from the mawkish, “My Captain, my Captain,” of Dead Poet’s Society. As much as any teacher might wish to be the sort of individual who captures the hearts of his or her students, this is what it is really like. Personalities clash almost accidentally but inevitably. There is no grand narrative, no huge social point; rather there is a deliberate this-is-how-it-is approach. Teaching is exhausting; teenagers make brilliant company in the classroom but they bring with them the labyrinthine complexities of an awakening brain out of pace with an awakening body. Add to this the profound, intractable difficulties of inner city poverty, immigration, low aspiration and you have a mix that is at once hugely enriching and also hugely dispiriting. The film’s success is mostly due to the kids – as any classroom’s success is ultimately due to the kids. It really is hard to grasp that this is not a documentary, but a bunch of gifted young actors. They provide most of the laughs for the audience again, neatly capturing what it’s like at the chalkface. Here the care the director and team applied to slowly craft this classroom really comes across. Perhaps too ponderous and a little overlong. It also seems to be a little missold as the story of an inspirational teacher who takes (too many) risks. It is nothing of the sort. But it still has a warm and gentle heart that has more accurately captured what a real classroom is like than any teacher-class film I’ve seen. If you want to go in to teaching, this is the film you should watch first.
Let The Right One In (2008), Cert (UK) 15, 114 mins, Dir Tomas Alfredson, Cast Henrik Dahl, Kare Hedebrant, Karin Bergquist, Lina Leandersson, Per Ragnar, Peter Carlberg
'Let The Right One Slip In' Let The Right One In, based on the novel of the same name The film is honest and matter-of-fact and manages to look like it’s a BBC documentary from the seventies; the grey hospital illuminated by dead lights is scarcely different to any of the other locations, least of all the drudgery of the woods in the snow. And whilst they may be in internal anguish, the world about them affords little privacy. There are windows everywhere and even the woods are too sparse to let you get away with a nighttime murder, a fact that gives the film a tragic momentum. Eli is a vampire and turns up with an older man, Håkan, who has been killing boys to drain their blood for Eli. Yet the claustrophobic proximity of others means he repeatedly fails in his task leading to one of the film’s grizzly moments. The violence is generally described in the same honest, matter-of-fact way as the alienation that overwhelms the population, often with a certain degree of wryness. The two central performances are excellent. Lina Leandersson as Eli is beguiling even underneath the make-up, CGI and over-dub. Her simple and uncomplicated performance provides a refreshing take on vampirism beyond the tired man/monster dualism at work in most vampire stories; despite a similar animating conceit, Buffy the Vampire Slayer this is not. She is unrepentantly a monster, which is continuous with the rest of her character. It gives the film the space to say far more interesting themes about love and loneliness, especially with Eli’s sexual ambiguity (she says repeatedly that she is “not a girl” and a bizarre shot of her getting change late in the film suggests that there is more to this statement than an admission of her diabolism). Such ambiguities neatly play upon the treacherous boundaries between friendship and sexual feeling at the transition to adolescence; the violence stands for that dread of not being able to go back. Thresholds are crossed throughout and are signalled by the old piece of vampire lore that they need to be invited in first. When not invited Eli’s entire body bleeds furiously reinforcing the link between her violence and the crossing girls make when they become women. It returns us again to that Morrissey song and the necessary betrayal of ourselves we make when we are forced by our own bodies to leave childhood behind. Kåre Hedebrant as Oskar is the elfin, almost albino, distinctly creepy centre of the story. Eli and Oskar first meet when Eli happens upon Oskar practising a revenge stabbing on a tree against his tormentors. We get the feeling that without Eli’s intervention there’s the possibility that Oskar might either bring about some Columbine-style massacre or else drowned by his internal dystopia. Again Lindqvist and the director, Alfredson, eschew any hint of dualism to explain Oskar: he is gentle, morbid, sweet and murderous in one complex bundle. His lips are constantly twitching as both a rabbit in the headlights and a creature tasting blood on the wind. His ethereal, translucent quality – we see him repeatedly as a reflection in a window – contrasts markedly with Eli, who is dirty and smelly when she hasn’t eaten but wholesomely turned out when she had fed. There are moments of touching immaturity as Oskar cleans his teeth with his mum or dances about in the swimming pool unaware that his bullies have a terrible plan in mind for him. Oskar is at his warmest from far removed from civilization, at his father’s home in the middle of nowhere. But then a friend of his father turns up and Oskar is totally isolated again. It seems to be that his father is also deeply unhappy in the company of his friend, just as Lacke is alone when he’s with his wife or another resident in the estate is alone with all of his cats. The film is not flawless, some moments – including a cat mauling and a spontaneous combustion – are poorly realised (bloody CGI again) and come across as a cackhanded way to shut down a potentially complicating subplot. These scenes feel a little out of step with the cerebral pace of the film. (Håkan’s fate has also been changed compared to the book to provide focus and maintain the movie’s singular trajectory.) Yet for the most part the film is pitched exactly right. As the body count mounts it becomes clear that Eli must move one and, in so doing, Oskar should “Let the old dreams die/ Let the wrong ones go.” The ending is, in many ways, wholly expected but perhaps all the more satisfying. It is an ending that emerges from the Peter Pan imagery and themes that underscore the film. In closing moments we are reminded of the tribe of Lost Boys who choose a strange perpetual childhood, a tragic stasis. is a Morrissey song that reminds me of the letters people write to themselves when teenagers: “Let the right one in/ Let the old dreams die/ Let the wrong ones go…/ They cannot do what you want them to” Morrissey croons. We always betray ourselves in the end; we always forget how lonely it is for most of us as we grow up.
by John Ajvide Lindqvist, tells the story of a desperately lonely twelve year old boy, Oskar, and his friendship with Eli, a tragic and sombre girl who has just moved in next door. Virtually everyone is alone in this film, especially when in the company of others – the only ones who aren’t are a bunch of nasty thugs that torment poor little Oskar.
And when at last it does
I'd say you were within your rights to bite
The right one and say, "What kept you so long?"
"What kept you so long?"